Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
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Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Me too 😆
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.