I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
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Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.