At least try to make it slightly believable
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crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
The first one, obviously
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”