My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
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As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.