going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
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hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
ok like just. call me at this point
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
This hospital has everything
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.