Those are good neighbors.
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judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Our lord and savoury.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed