During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
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I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.