Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
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Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.