I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
You Might Also Like
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
ACED my prostate exam!
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*