Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
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people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”