Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
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‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey