Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
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Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I think I’m having a stroke
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid