John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
You Might Also Like
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.