*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
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Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
finally found a reasonable question
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
never ask a starfish for directions
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal