Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
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My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
me as a parent
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s