Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
From Facebook just now…
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit