I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
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her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
God making man in his image was the original selfie
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
that de-escalated quickly
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.