What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
How is it still this week?
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR