“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
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I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
seems fine
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.