“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
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I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag