Clients after you give them your rates
You Might Also Like
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
what?
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.