Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
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Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.