I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
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Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
RT if you could go either way.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.