Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
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I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…