The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
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Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep