I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
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My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I know this now 😂
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket