Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
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I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.