STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
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Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
how to have an accident 101
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
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