I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
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[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.