WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
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5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo