Sending in my taxes
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i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust