Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
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God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring