What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
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Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Me, reading some of your tweets
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.