me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
You Might Also Like
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.