My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
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*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES