Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
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My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
my proudest tweet
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
There is no try. There is only give up.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity