I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
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When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
My wife gives the best headache.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever