Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
You Might Also Like
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.