[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
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Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
*limbos away from your hug*
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
sin harder.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.