{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
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My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.