Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
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hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Finally
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
just witnessed a drug deal
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?