Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
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Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Don’t we all.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.