TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
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When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had