Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
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Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.