genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
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Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
🤣😂
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.