I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
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I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Yes, this is exactly right
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.