These aren’t even hard anymore.
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Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Thursday
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
*limbos under the caution tape
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue