Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
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HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Any time a child tries to guess my age.