I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
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I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…