in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
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[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
two people or more is called a problem
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*